Need to Believe to NeedI lie to myself, I lie on my bed--how longNeed to Believe to Need by DerelictVampire
was I convinced I needed no one?
On my back, chest heaving toward the sky,
silent sobs burst from my eyes
as hot, salty water.
My arms reach out involuntarily;
I think a feminine ghost crawls into them.
Wrapped around the air
(the place where nothing's there),
I squeeze my own body into a stupor,
muscle and fat and skin and bone
twine around themselves...
and I feel empty.
I slap my pecks with both hands and reach
to a heaven I don't believe in,
to look outside myself
and find salvation.
Not in God, the Universe, Krishna, Brahma
or a Buddha in paradise
sitting on a many-petaled lotus flower.
what I need
is someone in my arms.
Why I LiveThe snake with hooded shelter,Why I Live by DerelictVampire
shadow from the desert burn...
I sink in thoughtful solace
'til it strikes and poison hits like opium.
It has the knowing:
no malice or hate; it knows itself is fair.
When venom runs its course...
(do I rage in beautiful despair?)
But something in me fights like demons
against the seeping atrophy.
In the end, one thing I know,
should I rise or fall:
Without my life,
without my life...
nothing can be known at all.
The Eyes of Kammy JaneKammy…The Eyes of Kammy Jane by DerelictVampire
Beautiful child, the light never stopped shining from her eyes…
My friend, my love…
She turned and found me.
Then tugged…and pulled me from myself,
asked if my answer could be yes.
And before the last question left her lips, my wall came down.
The words poured out; I made us happen…No fear, no awkward stumble:
two sappy hearts longing for the other in the strange, strange setting of a hospital corner,
like a film someone must’ve made…or should.
Big brown eyes and curly lashes, looking into me
like no one had ever seen me before.
(Could life ever be like that again? Could such comfort ever be repeated?)
“My Grandmother loves you,” Kammy said. “If I’m upset or sumthin’,
she always says, ‘Talk to Christian, talk to Christian.’”
Then the stories came…from Kammy–Kammy Jane:
twins at 13–one died–then the drugs, the rapes,
beaten within an inch of her life…the
Duress UndressedLove me in my pain...Duress Undressed by DerelictVampire
even when I complain.
Plead my case to the god doctor;
don't let me hear her sigh
in lack of patience (patients)
and blasé her way into the shaman's notebook.
My Doctor, my savior at midnight
(the nurses can't call sooner -
they have their good reasons).
Will the medical Jesus know a way
to lead the flocks of tremors
out of my body?
And if he can't...If he can't...
will He have the compassion to knock me to sleep
with something that works?
(Not a fucking Benadryl to battle
earthquakes in my legs!)
I'm an inmate in a place where we try to question the gods
and make ourselves heard...
Moon of BloodYesterdayMoon of Blood by DerelictVampire
I dreamt a woman gave me blood.
A shallow clay bowl with iridescent liquid;
a shiny white circle reflected on its surface—
the full moon was rising.
I asked her what the purpose was.
She said, “You don’t have enough.”
I remember feeling as if I lacked the moon…
though I knew she meant the blood of my body.
DSL—1987DSL by DerelictVampire
Peter Murphy hid somewhere behind the curtains.
At some club in Long Beach, California
we heard the PA system blast an announcement:
“Peter won’t come out until you move back from the stage.”
We all thought, what the fuck? Get out here already!
“He doesn’t want anyone crushed against the stage.
Please move back!”
Eventually a space was made between the mass of bodies
and the hard-wood stage on which he’d come
and believe himself bigger than any normal grunt;
it’s what we all want from our performers—they should be
greater than human, expanding with sound and presence
until we’re assured of our inferiority…because
all our rock stars have a right to occupy
more of this 3rd dimension than we do.
Do we want them any other way?
The crowd was reeling from the opening act—an unknown band
without a record deal.
A group of guys called Jane’s Addiction.
They blew us all away…and if music were
We Are the LightI thought raw truth might move them.We Are the Light by DerelictVampire
sincerity might make a difference.
But against an onslaught of misunderstanding there is no defense.
I'm called names.
I'm told I can't defend myself...
even while I'm fighting back.
Why do I continue?
Because that is what I do,
that's what we do.
When the people out there tell us we are unworthy
of compassion, respect
when they tell us we are nothing
and don't deserve to even be here,
ReaderSo when it fizzles—our dream of personal greatness—Reader by DerelictVampire
when we try to make ourselves a little sweeter
so that even the most bitter critic
will love us…
We’re so in love with you.
All of you without faces.
All we want is that smattering of respect,
a day of recognition,
that says, “You are worthwhile.
You are worthy of a day’s notice…”
But if we should falter,
would you make peace with a moment of neurosis
or would you abandon us like so many have before—
with just a click of a button…
Your mousy intent black upon the fake-wood desk;
your final judgment
as it wipes away all considerations
of past, present, future…
We break our own hearts. We love to.
—the crackling sound of something hard and crisp
deep within my chest.
It feels so good when you reject me.
It gives me such a reason to hate,
to pity myself (such sweet porridge for breakfast),
to rail against every thing and every one
that ever saw me as les
Night's EmbraceThe rain has began to fall.Night's Embrace by DareDreemer
I cry alone
I whisper to the Night
I hear its haunting call
Through the rain
Night's words echo
A voice so sweet
It drowns the pain
Danger lurks ever near
But Night protects me
Lights the darkness
Shields me from all that I fear
The rain continues to fall
I am warmed from the cold
I find solace in Night's arms
As I am carried down the hall
In my bed I am placed
Beside me Night lies
A tender kiss
All that is worng, erased
Written By: Lauri Ailane